The Mid-Mid-Life Crisis

Ok, so I realise there has been a lack in the old blogging of late from He-Who-Observes, but to be perfectly frank with you, this year has been a toughie! Relocating to the other side of the world, new jobs, old friends, and the invariable loom of the skid up to twenty-five.

‘Urgh – you what?!’ I hear you cry – but just hang on a minute (step away from the kettle, its not a hot flush) this is reality and he-who-observes has noticed a shift in a few astral planes…well, maybe not that far, but still…read on.

Through the first 23 years of life, the Gen Y’s are pushed to believe in education, education, education – but actually, there is no real warning of the real world and boy is it harsh out there. Years of rigorous slog… well, four at university in my case - school mainly consisted of cigs, booze and the belief that a text book cover makes the best ‘roach’ - and whoosh, you’re out there into a sea of bad suits and comb overs (pass me that smoothing serum). All those exams suddenly start to slot into place (bar Geography – don’t teach us about continents and countries will you? Teach us about the useful composition of soil, oh how I use that every-single-day. Do I know all the countries in the Far East? Honestly? No. This is an entirely different rant).

The actual realization that in a one month, He-Who-Observes will reach an age that is half that of 50 is somewhat daunting. Is this the right career path? Where is my love life going? Am I happy living in this country? What the hell is council tax exactly, other than a massive pain in the backside? Is my face starting to sag? Hopefully my hair wont fall out. Why is this bottom bit of my back swelling week on week? The constant envy of teenager’s skin, so youthful! How are they engaged? A baby – what?! Mortgage deposit? How do these jeans not fit?! Cue intoxication. Cue horrific hangover very much unlike the ones from the early days.

The whirlwind begins and the thoughts form a worrying spiraling pattern.

This is the mid-midlife crisis. He-Who-Observes is sensing a feeling of panic among the masses but fear not, I will try to guide us through this.

He-Who-Observes has seen a few Mid-Life crashes: the rage, the lashing out, the random ‘two-piece-polymix’ purchases, but has seen them to an end. Steer clear of the ‘self help’ section – it’s all too much, but simply learn how to reflect.

What have you achieved?

What do you want to achieve?

Lets enjoy YOUTH.

Hopefully readers – you can observe He-Who-Observes transformation into the late twenties and hope that it is done with style. Failing that, please send all clinics, weight loss regimes and dating website details in.

Times they are a changing, there’s nothing I can do about it but Observe-Who-He is going to become.

Is coolness blinding my observation? I don’t think so.

He-Who-Observes has been back on UK soil for some time now, and back full swing on some shoulder rubbing schmoozy schmoozy socializing. To be perfectly honest with you, it’s all been rather fabulous. However, in the midst of such air-kissing-hand-shaking-madness, I’ve detected a bit of a chill.

Call me stupid (maybe it’s a brain freeze), but god, some people really play it ‘cool’ don’t they? So cool it’s almost icy.

Take situation A. He-Who-Observes locks vision with a fellow socialite. Conversation oozes and business cards are swapped. It’s all very business fash-pack glam. A flirtatious email is flicked over the next day, but with the undercut of being a jokey work email – Rule One: always cover ones back. Emails bounce back and forth in the usual ‘wait a bit, don’t email back straight away’ game that we all play. When the push hits the shove and the emails come to the crunch [aka date offer] it all goes a bit quiet. REJECTION I hear you scream at your screens. He-Who-Observes thought so too. *Yawn* Lights off, time for bed (alone). Or Not…

He-Who-Observes was back on the party scene, and this time ran into friends of the above rejecter. Instantly conversation switches from the banal topics of work life and fashion pages to the ‘So, I heard you were emailing [insert name]’, ‘[insert name] really likes you and from what I hear can’t wait to go on a date with you’. He-Who-Observes has witnessed coolness beyond belief. And no, before you ask, this information was certified truth.

This one played it too cool, they froze themselves out. A one off you might justify? No my friends, certainly not. These days, is it too cool to play it like ice, or should I just meltdown and play it frozen? I don’t get it. I can play the 3 day game, but flippin’ heck, playing it this cool belongs in the Antarctic!

I’m over it. Get me some Barbados warmth and just roll with the easy life. Surely, this Baltic method of seduction will leave you looking uninterested, rather than hot for heartfelt romance? Get me out of the freezer and into the blow torch! Let’s call this the modern day crème brûlée effect.

Rose Tints? You need The Fit List vs. The Hit List

Here we go again: devotion; bad behavior; faith; ill manners; stupidity; romance or loyalty. But which one do you show? He-Who-Observes has noticed a growing trend in personalities, and to be honest, its time to wade through some muck/silk.

Fit List

Ahh, to feel your heart flutter. Joyous isn’t it? Those texts out of the blue, the little gestures, the moments that last in your mind forever and the incredible actions of fellow human beings that genuinely takes your breath away.

Those who sit on the fit list text back, proactively maintain a friendship, buy you a drink after a hard day and probably share their last Rolo. It’s the spontaneous and natural urge of heaven that keeps these angels firmly on the fit list.

I hate to cliché this, but the fit list is the laughs on the adverts, the hugs from the heart and the reassurance that everything will be ok. It’s those who listen, those who cry with you and those that appreciate true romance. Get on a train, they’re only a couple of hours away, if someone invites you to something a month in advance: Go, and if the person sitting next to you is down – offer them 5 minutes of listening time.

Hit List

Bang.Bang.Bang. They’re the nails in common sense’s coffin.

Yes, you may meet another who is the iconic: ‘fit’, but as soon as their personality screeches through the slits in their soul, it’s amazing how quickly the rose tints come off – don’t you think? Suddenly the warm glow that beamed from the heart of the beloved suddenly turns into an icy wind or a chill down the back of your neck. And however much you try to look for the blanket to warm the whole thing back up again, you’ll always have that draught on your ankles.

Ringing bells in your head?

You on the hit list don’t listen, you don’t text back, you just are. The lack in compassion eventually leaves you a few friends down. You’ll get fazed out, trust me, its happening now and you probably don’t even realize it.

How we become to sit on the fit list or the hit list is a question of psychology, social norms and personal acceptance. Give and inch…

Well He-Who-Observes is setting a trend, get the gist and jump on the right list, because if you’re names not down: you’re not coming in.